Self Sabotage: The Psychology of Why You Fail And How to Stop.
Self sabotage is like a battle between your future self yelling ” get your sh!t together” and your present self replying “After binge-watching the latest season of Yellowstone”.
It’s a tough one I know.
We all have that secret dream tucked away in the deep corners of our minds.
Maybe it’s starting a side hustle for you, writing the next great American novel, or finally conquering your fear of karaoke.
But something holds you back. It’s not laziness most of the time.
It’s something deeper, a subconscious shadowy figure whispering insidious doubts that keep you still in your place.
What is it you might ask?
It’s wrestling with that voice that screams “who do you think you are?”
This sneaky dream saboteur holds almost all of us hostage, showing up in disguises in many forms.
For example, fear of failure, perfectionism paralysis, or the ever-present “shoulda, woulda, coulda” loop playing on repeat in your mind.
I’m no stranger to these thoughts.
I’ve had many ideas I wanted to bring to life but I didn’t for some reasons.
And guess what the number one culprit was?
It’s not the specific problem itself – like that pesky co-worker or the ever-dwindling bank account.
Frankly, it’s that voice in our head and what it says.
It acts like a domino effect; it streams negative thoughts that become our own personal dream-sucking black holes.
So, how do you outsmart these dream saboteurs and not miss out on your goals?
This is the science-based post for you to answer that.
After going through this myself and reading much research about it, I’ve come to identify 7 reasons that I want to share with you that kept me stuck and some ways that helped me to move forward.
Consider it a crash course on how not to self-sabotage with a healthy dose of “how to break free” and research-based facts because “read and weep” isn’t exactly inspiring.
Let’s get started.
Self-Sabotage Habit 1 – Procrastination
Let’s be real, consistency is the arch-nemesis of every aspiring meme lord and master procrastinator.
(Looking at everyone who got sucked into a TikTok black hole for three hours).
You have dreams, those burning desires that flicker brightly in your mind… until that pesky notification from your friend explodes.
Suddenly, learning Italian or finally writing that screenplay seems way less appealing.
But here’s the harsh truth: inconsistency is the dream crusher we all (unintentionally?) carry around.
Think about it:
How many times have you started a new workout routine only to mysteriously “forget” your gym bag after the third session?
Or maybe you downloaded Duolingo with the best intentions, only to have your streak tragically end because a cat video demanded your immediate attention.
We’ve all been there, folks.
Here’s the thing:
The equation is simple: Achieving anything worthwhile requires consistent effort.
Here’s a relatable example:
Imagine your dream is to become a social media influencer.
You post a hilarious video once a month, it goes semi-viral, and you get a taste of internet fame.
But then, life (or more accurately, the latest Netflix show) gets in your way.
Months pass, your followers start wondering if you became one with the couch cushions, and your influencer dreams slowly get buried under a pile of dirty dishes (Because I’ll do it later right?!).
So How to Beat Procrastination?
- Start with a small, regular steps that contribute to what you want to accomplish.
- Set a goal within a deadline to finish and dedicate 2 hours per day to it (for a start).
- Enjoy the small accomplishments. This positive reinforcement can help you stay motivated and maintain momentum.
- Be willing to re-evaluate and adjust your approach as needed, rather than forcing yourself to stick to a rigid plan. You just see what works for you the most.
- Set your environment for success. I.e. declutter your space, tidy things up, and re-arrange a few things around to help set you up mentally the right way.
- Negative self-talk or thoughts might creep up to make you feel like an imposter or unworthy. Keep moving forward!
This is normal because you’re doing something you haven’t done before.
If you do that and from my personal experience, I can almost guarantee you that you will stick to this routine for a very long time.
This will still be way more effective than sporadic bursts of epic effort as this will help you keep your momentum going.
This will help you make strategic bets for the future by investing time and effort in activities that will benefit you in the long term.
Don’t be swayed by short-term rewards.
Imagine the satisfaction of finally finishing that screenplay or crushing your fitness goals – way better than the fleeting high of a perfectly timed meme reaction, right?
Self Sabotage Habit 2 – Superficial Focus
Ever feel like your brain is a circus full of juggling monkeys, a never-ending to-do list your whip can’t quite tame?
You frantically check ten browser tabs, notifications explode like confetti cannons, and that sweet feeling of accomplishment remains frustratingly out of reach.
The science of focus is rooted in the concept of attention.
Attention is the ability to selectively focus on certain stimuli while ignoring others.
Research proved that we can only focus on a certain amount of information at a time before we lose that.
So what does this show?
While many advocate the concept of time management, here’s the truth bomb that might explode some conventional wisdom:
time management might not be your ultimate weapon.
what you really need is focus management.
Think of it like this:
Time management is about cramming the most tasks into your day (fake productivity) trying to do them all.
Anything you give time and attention to has a power over you.
Focus management, however, is like wielding a laser pointer, directing your attention with pinpoint accuracy where you get more done in less time.
Here’s the analogy to end all analogies:
Imagine your precious time is a giant bucket.
Time management lets you toss everything in there – emails, reports, exams, work, social gatherings, that online course you really should get around to, etc.
But because you have a lot to go through, you keep switching between tasks so you end up with a messy bucket of half-finished things.
Focus management is like having a bunch of smaller buckets, each dedicated to a specific task.
You pour your laser-focused attention into one bucket at a time, conquering that task efficiently before moving on to the next.
The secret of focus management is that it allows you to take on the tasks with the most priority and sticking to it until its done.
The benefits? Less stress, more productivity, and finally feeling like you’re making a dent in that to-do list.
“There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all”
Peter Drucker
The simplest ways to start boosting your focus are:
- Turn off your notifications and remove any other distractions when working.
- It is beneficial to do yoga or slow controlled breathing to boost your attention in between tasks.
- Focus on the processes involved in achieving your goals and what you are learning along the way rather than just the end result purely.
- Now I won’t be a Millennial if I don’t say this, tie your goal to a sense of purpose to keep you going during the hard days.
Remember, focus management is a superpower that complements, not replaces time management.
Mastering both is like having a Jedi Knight’s lightsaber and a wise Yoda’s guidance – you’ll be well on your way to conquering your to-do list and achieving your goals,
Self-Sabotage Habit 3 – Not Your Network But Something Else
We’ve all heard the saying, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.”
But what if forging a giant network of connections isn’t your ideal thing to do? What if you thrive as a solo operator?
Here’s a counterintuitive note:
a strong network can be a valuable asset, but it’s not the only path to success.
In fact, for some of us, the solo route can be more fulfilling and effective.
Let’s face it, building a massive network can be exhausting.
It takes time, effort, and a certain level of extroversion that some of us just don’t possess.
Plus, the pressure to constantly “leverage” connections can feel disingenuous.
So here’s an alternative perspective:
think of mentors or the people you think can help you as collaborators, not crutches.
Don’t rely on them to do the heavy lifting (like writing your first draft).
Instead, approach them with your own work, your own ideas.
Use their expertise for refining and polishing, not for creating from scratch.
Think of it like this:
A personal trainer doesn’t magically give you a six-pack, they push you to reach your full potential.
A mentor operates similarly.
They guide and support, but the core work – the reps, the sweat, the writing – that’s all on you.
Now, this isn’t to say building a network is useless.
Surrounding yourself with inspiring people can be fantastic. But it shouldn’t be the sole focus, especially if it clashes with your natural working style.
So here’s the key takeaway:
You define your path to success.
If the lone wolf life resonates with you, That’s ok!
Hone your skills, learn independently, and find mentors who respect your self-driven approach.
As you build yourself, your knowledge, and your skills, you will feel a growing sense of confidence.
This can ultimately lead you to slowly integrate more network into your life that supports or serves your path.
Self Sabotage Habit 4 – Lack of Responsibility
It’s safe to say that we’ve all been there in some point – stuck in a blame-fueled feedback loop.
Where to start?
The printer decides to malfunction right before a deadline (classic!).
The “system” is rigged against you, and that “outdated advice” you received is clearly to blame for your woes.
We have hit this “blame button” more often, but trust me, it’s a universal experience.
And if you trace it back, there are a few reasons that hurt us now as adults.
Some of these reasons:
- Participation Trophy Hangover:
Remember those “everyone’s a winner” trophies from childhood?
Great for self-esteem, maybe not so much for developing our resilience.
It can be tough for you to accept criticism and setbacks – essential ingredients for growth – when you’re used to a constant stream of gold stars. - Information Overload Blues:
You are bombarded with advice, opinions, and “life hacks” 24/7.
It’s easy to get lost in the noise, pointing fingers at external sources for confusion or lack of direction.
Information overload can lead to paralysis by analysis, preventing you from taking action and owning your path. -
FOMO
Sometimes, there’s this nagging voice in the back of your head saying,“Don’t rock the boat, don’t make waves.”
This fear of standing out can be a real roadblock to pursuing your dreams and living authentically.
Here’s why it’s so tough:- We feel that everyone else would label us ‘weird’ because of what we choose to do.
- The fear of rejection or ridicule can be paralyzing and can stop us from pursuing something different.
- Sometimes, the familiar (even if unfulfilling) feels safer than the unknown.
It’s easier to stick with the “expected” path than risk striking out on our own.
- The Comparison Trap:
Social media feeds paint a picture-perfect portrait of everyone else’s lives making you blame external factors or even yourself for your perceived shortcomings.
The truth is, everyone faces challenges, but you only see the glossy exterior on social media. -
The Financial Squeeze:
Let’s face it, being young and financially independent is a tightrope walk.
Student loans, low wages, and the ever-increasing cost of living make it hard for you to feel secure, let alone achieve big goals.
It can feel like success is locked behind a paywall.
As one of my friends put it: My therapist says adulting is about taking responsibility. So, I responsibly avoided checking my bank account!
I know this because I have gone through such times myself.
I had to work at a company that was so toxic just to save as much money as possible before leaving not only the company but the entire country! - Gig Economy:
The rise of the gig economy offers flexibility but often lacks job security, benefits, and stable income.
This can make it challenging for you to plan for the future and invest in long-term goals.
There are other reasons for sure but here’s the thing:
Taking responsibility is the ultimate power move. It means owning your actions, the wins and the epic fails.
Blaming everyone else might feel comfortable in the short term, but it keeps you stuck.
It’s like pointing fingers in a maze – you might feel righteous, but you’re not getting anywhere.
Imagine this:
You dream of landing your dream job.
Instead of blaming the “unfair” hiring process for rejections, you take responsibility.
You revamp your resume, practice your interview skills, and show up as the most prepared version of yourself.
See the difference?
Remember:
- Progress, Not Perfection: Aim for small, achievable steps. Celebrate milestones, no matter how small.
- Self-Care Matters: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritize sleep, healthy eating, and activities you enjoy.
- Focus on What You Can Do: Can’t control the past or the future. Focus on the present and the choices you make today.
Self Sabotage Habit 5 – Self Doubt
If I were to describe self doubt in a few words, I’d say that self-doubt is the background noise of our generation.
Self-doubt leads to self-sabotage which is exact opposite of self-awareness where you feel in control.
Based on research, negative or self-limiting beliefs can significantly impact your ability to succeed in life in the following ways:
- They reinforce a sense of inadequacy and unworthiness, undermining your self-confidence and self-esteem.
This makes it harder for you to take on challenges and pursue your goals. - Beliefs like “I’m not good enough”, “I’ll never be successful”, or “I don’t have enough experience” create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where people stop trying and end up failing as a result.
- They cause you to focus on the obstacles and potential for failure, rather than the opportunities for growth and success.
This mindset makes it difficult for you to take risks and persevere through setbacks. - Self-doubt can lead you to seek out information that confirms your negative views, while ignoring evidence that could challenge those beliefs (confirmation bias).
Now at this point, we may hear so many say ‘follow your passion’.
But forget about that for a second.
Start with a cause you care about or an interest you have instead.
This is key because you will feel more empowered since you are starting something you already have a deep desire at.
This is especially beneficial if your interest happens to align with your long-term goal.
It will keep your momentum alive.
Action trumps doubt, and impact fuels purpose.
Self Sabotage Habit 6 – You Feel Entitled
We Millennials and Gen Z are still figuring some things out, and that’s perfectly normal.
However, most of us walk around with an entitlement aura over our heads that makes it difficult to learn from mistakes and setbacks.
We may expect success to come easily or feel that we deserve things without putting in the necessary effort.
This can lead to frustration and a reluctance to take on challenges.
This entitlement leads to “the experience gap”:
Because when you feel entitled to certain positions or rewards without the necessary experience, it can lead to frustration and a feeling that you’re not being given opportunities.
This, in turn, widens the experience gap.
For example:
Let’s say you just graduated from college with a strong academic record.
Now, you are interested in applying for this management role at a good company with ‘leadership experience’ as part of the job requirements.
If you overlook the experience requirement and focus solely on your qualifications, you might feel frustrated when you don’t get the job.
In fact, research even indicates that entitlement can be conceptualized as a psychological vulnerability that predisposes us to psychological distress, unmet expectations, and a sense of perceived injustice.
This highlights the importance of understanding the experience needed for this role and being willing to put in the time to gain that experience.
So what to do here?
I’d have loved to sell you a course about this like others out there but here is the golden rule that they keep away from you:
The faster you shorten the gap between where you want to be and what needs to be done to reach there, the better your life would be in the long run. Period.
This is going to almost force you to acknowledge your limitations and strengths and start planning in small steps to reach what you want to accomplish.
You can fasten your journey by seeking some mentorships or joining a group of like-minded people who are on a similar journey to yours.
For me, I always wanted to be a startup founder (an aspiring Millennial here) and I’m currently working on that on the side alongside this blog.
Let’s take this blog for example:
My vision for it is to be the place for Millennials and Gen Z to reflect and become better internally to drive better results externally with insights that resonate with us.
Now to keep you reading my work, I had to learn a lot about copywriting.
To learn how to site design, set things up, optimization and so on, I had to accept that I lacked all of that first.
Then I started to work on these limitations so that I can fulfill my vision.
The point is:
Moving past entitlement means owning your gaps and actively seeking to shorten the gap.
This reminds me of this saying:
Source - Imgflip
Self-Sabotage Habit 7 – Shaky Identity
Remember the childhood game of the telephone?
Your life goals might be stuck in that chaotic cycle.
Those vivid aspirations you once held have become later a jumbled mess of societal and parental expectations and a constant barrage of “shoulds” from the world around you.
The result? Confusion reigns supreme.
This might leave you wondering, “What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my life?”
We’ve all been there.
Now the irony is that sometimes we know we have to change this behavior, but we don’t.
What’s stopping us?
There are 3 reasons I can think of:
- Maintaining the Status Quo:
Self-sabotage can be a way for us to avoid change, even if the change is ultimately positive.
This can create a sense of comfort and familiarity, even if it’s not necessarily a good thing. - Gaining Sympathy:
Sometimes, we subconsciously self-sabotage to gain sympathy or attention from those around us.
This can temporarily fix our emotional needs, but it’s not a healthy long-term solution. - Avoiding Difficult Emotions:
And finally, self-sabotage can be a way for us to avoid facing difficult emotions like fear, disappointment, or sadness.
However, we end up denying ourselves the chance to learn and grow from them.
If you resonate with any of these reasons, that’s ok. We all had to at some point in our life.
Just remember that this cycle will ultimately lead you to face an identity crisis. I.e. figuring our who you truly are and what you want to spend your life on.
Imagine explaining your life path to your grandparents. “I’m, like, an influencer/entrepreneur/astrophysicist (not sure yet)!”
Yeah, good luck with that.
Figuring out who you are and what you want is a wild ride.
You’re not just “trying on hats,” you’re actively building many forms of identities, brick by metaphorical brick.
It’s messy, sure, but it’s how you discover your passions, personal values, and that elusive state of self-awareness. (Check these links as I have expanded on these topics in depth).
So it is perfectly ok if you don’t know what you want to do in life now.
You can still build yourself and character in a way that resonates with you and your aspirations.
And I hope this post has illuminated some internal forces that could’ve been stopping you from moving ahead.
So take your time to make incremental steps to truly understand yourself. Its always the best option.
Explore and fail and learn.
It will always be better than living life with regrets or in denial.
Summary
Ultimately, self sabotage is a result and can be changed.
Embrace your inner critic because it will always find a way out.
Engage with this voice to understand its message and intentions, without immediately believing its criticisms.
Normally, this inner voice is a result of choosing to not address it head on.
Talk to it as if you were to talk to a friend, with kindness and understanding.
If you feel sadness, shame, anger, frustrations or anything, that is fine.
Accept these feelings first. This will loosen their grip and impact onto you.
If you feel a certain way, then there is an underlying cause. Address that.
If you can eliminate these causes, great. If not, then find ways to reduce their impact as much as you can while you’re working on yourself and plans.
Always know that you are not a subject of your inner voice nor should you believe everything it tells you, you are simply subjecting your thoughts to it.
Remember that!
What do you think of this post? How does this sit in your experience?
Feel free to express your thoughts in the comment section below.
Until next time 🙂
