Offense And The Comfort of Being Offended
Introduction
Right off the bat, the modern world has turned ‘offense’ into a currency, and some people are practically billionaires in being offended.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we?
That little zing of indignation and anger when someone dares to say or do something that rubs us the wrong way.
It’s like a tiny ego massage – a confirmation that we are right and they are… well, not.
But the irony here (or maybe the weird part) is what if I told you that sometimes, we actually enjoy being offended?
It might upset you, but it’s the reality for some of us.
One of the major contributor to this is this hypersensitive world we started to see recently.
Offense has become a highly-sought commodity, and some of us have mastered the art of being annoying, lack self-awareness, and attention-seeking vamps.
Im not talking about minimizing actual harm or injustice.
Im talking about when “being offended” becomes a shield, a way to avoid difficult conversations, self-reflection, and maybe even the mirror itself.
We become professional offense-takers, ready to pounce, and the rest of the world become our unwitting provocateurs.
So the question I beg to ask here; in our rush to get to the moral high ground, are we inadvertently missing the low hanging fruit of self growth?
Is being offended an excuse for avoiding the uncomfortable truths of our own actions?
Are we, dare I say, offended by the very suggestion that our knee-jerk reactions may be deeply rooted in our own insecurities?
I have so many other questions to address below that are mentally amusing!
Im not here to point fingers but to hold up a mirror, hope that makes sense.
So lets get this going.
The ‘Offended’ Identity
Let’s talk about identity.
Not the kind of identity that celebrates your unique qualities, but the kind that is built around a reaction – the “Offended” Identity.
This happens when “being offended” morphs from a fleeting feeling into a core part of your self-definition.
You’re essentially building your identity around a reaction to the world, rather than an internal sense of who you are.
This is a fundamentally limiting choice, because you’re letting the actions of others define your emotional state, and by extension, who you are.
Consider someone who is easily offended on behalf of marginalized groups, even when those groups haven’t expressed offense themselves. (college kids anyone?).
While the initial intention may be good, their identity becomes solely about reacting to perceived injustices, rather than supporting others in a genuine way.
As far as I can tell, this identity becomes a trap.
It creates a fragile ego that’s constantly seeking validation by finding new things to be offended by.
This leads you to becoming emotionally unstable and frankly toxic in your relationships.
If you’re “always offended,” you’re always at the mercy of external factors. You have surrendered your power to the “offenders.” Period.
Think about it:
When you make “being offended” your defining characteristic, you limit your capacity for thought and critical engagement.
You tend then to prioritize quick emotional reactions over reasoned responses.
It narrows your world, because you are only engaging with the world through the lens of is this offensive or not.
Lets talk about Kate, “the social justice warrior”, who filters every interaction and communication through that lens.
She may become hyper-vigilant, always seeking out examples of microaggressions, and miss opportunities for common ground.
Why does this happen?
Well, because she’s so focused on being offended or on proving a point.
She is effectively blinding herself to other ways to connect with others, see situations, and find solutions.
Hope this example makes sense.
Eventually, the consequence is that you start to see the world as a battlefield of potential offenses rather than a place of shared complex human experiences.
You become less able to accept disagreement, and the world around you becomes dangerous.
This means fewer learning opportunities, and more echo chambers.
This also creates a situation where you’re always on the defensive and is unable to connect with others on a deeper level.
Attached to identity is virtue.
This begs the question: Is being offended a virtue?
Yes kinda, identifying as “easily offended” often does grant a sense of moral superiority, or at least that’s the feeling.
It positions you as someone more sensitive, more aware, or more “woke” than others.
It’s a way of saying, “I care more about this issue than you do, and I’m more offended, therefore I am more virtuous.”
But it’s a slippery slope, you see.
You begin to judge others’ moral character based on their capacity to be offended (or lack thereof), rather than evaluating their actual actions or intentions.
You are effectively saying that because someone is not offended by a situation, means that they condone it.
Take, for example, the recent university strikes in the US and their reaction to the war, the domestic political events and more.
(Funnily enough, those folks focused on the Israel-Palestine war but never had they ever went out about the war and tyranny in south Africa, Kenya, Mynamar, and others :)).
Anyway, I digress.
Those strike were frankly a total shit show, noble on the surface but most of those folks lack the nuances underneath.
This proves this point of identity, its reactionary, not reasonably reasoned to our personal values.
Anyone of us who does this is actually using offense as a performative act of virtue signaling, rather than a genuine call to dig deeper about the history and facts.
Now, this takes me to the final stage of this topic; simply why are we doing this even though they know better?
There are a few reasons in my opinion:
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Being offended can provide a false sense of power.
You get to dictate what is “right” and “wrong,”. Who doesnt like that?!.
This can be a way of exerting control, especially when feeling powerless in other areas of your life. -
Seeking external validation and attention.
Each expression of offense is a plea to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. “Look at me, I’m sensitive!”
This creates a never ending loop of searching for the next perceived slight. -
Shifting Responsibility.
It’s easier to point fingers and blame others than to confront your own flaws or biases. -
Offers a sense of clarity and certainty.
You know who the “bad guys” are, and you know that you are on the right side.
It’s much easier than sitting with ambiguity and accepting that our world doesn’t always fall into perfect good vs. evil categories. -
The Echo Chamber.
In a world increasingly lived online, it can provide a feeling of belonging to like-minded people who share the same offenses.
Finding one’s “tribe” can be powerful and compelling, and this shared offense can act as social glue to bind them together in my opinion.
The goal here isn’t to eliminate your and my capacity for feeling offended (we’re human!), but to become more aware of the motivations behind it.
We must ask ourselves:
- Am I being genuinely harmed, or is my ego simply bruised?
- Is this offense pushing me towards growth, or is it holding me back?
Offence as an Escape Route
Is being offended sometimes just a really convenient way to avoid having a difficult conversation?
Can it be a kind of intellectual and emotional “get out of jail free” card?
The short answer is yes.
Let’s be honest, engaging with perspectives that challenge our own can be uncomfortable.
The truth is, for many of us, taking offense has become a pre-emptive strike.
Instead of trying to understand where someone is coming from, we instantly position ourselves as the offended party.
We shut down any possibility of dialogue, and we retreat into our safe spaces of like-minded people.
Offense, in this context, becomes a shield, a way to disengage us from anything that might challenge our beliefs.
Think of a situation where your friend share a differing political opinion than yours.
Instead of asking questions and exploring the reasons behind that opinion, you immediately respond with bigotry, and shut down any chance of a discussion.
The perceived offense allows you to exit the conversation entirely.
It’s as if you’re saying “I don’t like your opinion and am therefore justified to not have a conversation with you”.
While at it, let’s challenge the assumption that taking offense is always about defending deeply held values we have.
In many instances, the offense is about protecting our ego from being questioned, challenged, or proven wrong. It really is this.
This protection is so powerful, that we will engage in self deception and double down on our initial feelings of offense.
It’s like an emotional fortress, built to deflect any external criticism.
What I find interesting is that the fear of being wrong is a powerful motivator for us to take offense.
We’ve become a culture obsessed with being right, and admitting we might have made a mistake is almost seen as a moral failing.
So, rather than risk being “wrong,” we take the easy route and position ourselves as the offended party.
We will actively search for ways to be offended and prove our POV just to avoid taking accountability for anything we do.
Deep down, the reality is that we are just afraid of facing truths and ideas about ourselves or the world that might shake us down.
Perhaps we’ve been living with certain biases, or maybe we’ve adopted a worldview that doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.
This idea can be terrifying, so offense becomes a convenient shield.
You simply reject the people who hold differing opinions, and your comfortable world remains unchallenged.
Think about it logically.
If every differing opinion becomes an opportunity for offense, then genuine discussion and growth become impossible.
If your priority is to be offended and shut down the conversation, you are creating an echo chamber where only your opinions are validated.
The only person you end up hurting in this instance is yourself. You have locked yourself into a position of ignorance because of a fear of being wrong.
So, we should ask ourselves:
- Are we disengaging from uncomfortable conversations because we are afraid of what we might discover?
- Are we willing to acknowledge that perhaps we don’t have all the answers?
To move beyond this, we must be willing to have difficult conversations, confront our own biases, and accept the possibility that we might be wrong.
If we want to be better, we must start acting better.
The Nuances of ‘Offense’
We need to acknowledge the reality that offense, in and of itself, isn’t always a bad thing.
So, let’s dig deeper into the nuances.
- Sometimes, being offended serves as a necessary signal.
It can be a sign that someone has crossed our boundaries, a wrong has been committed, or an injustice has taken place.
In these instances, the feeling of offense is not a problem; it’s a cue that something needs to be addressed.
Imagine a coworker repeatedly making unwanted comments about your appearance or personal life.
Your feeling of offense is a legitimate signal that they are overstepping your boundaries.
To ignore that feeling would be to normalize an unacceptable behavior.
- Another idea of offence is the assumption that being offended means that you are weak or overly sensitive.
This is one to challenge for sure.
Sometimes, taking offense is an act of courage, a way of standing up for yourself and others when something wrong has occurred.
It takes courage to say that something is not okay.
Conversely, let’s also challenge the idea that being “unoffendable” is a sign of strength.
Sometimes, it’s a sign of apathy, detachment, emotional blackmail, or a privileged position that prevents you from seeing injustice.
Sometimes, it is not being strong, it’s simply having your head in the sand.
- Also, cultural nuances play a role.
Our understanding of offense is profoundly shaped by culture.
This acts as a powerful filter through which we interpret the world and decide whats respectful, or insulting.
As a result, what may be a harmless gesture or a joke in one culture can be deeply offensive in another.
The point here is to challenge the idea that our own cultural norms are the default or “correct” ones.
If that was the case, I wouldn’t have become an atheist and would have remained religious as per my cultural norms and ideas.
The key here is to have cultural awareness.
Its not about abandoning our values, but about understanding that the definition of offense is not universal.
It is about understanding different worldviews and about recognizing that our lens is not the only lens and our ways are not the only way.
This means understanding the impact of our actions but also the cultural context behind those actions.
- Now, let’s grapple with the complex issue of intent.
Should we only consider the impact of words and actions, or does the intent behind them matter?
I think it matters, but it is only one part of the equation.
While we should always be mindful of the impact of our actions, ignoring intent is dangerous.
It means we risk judging people based on our interpretation, not on the intent of their actions.
Another example 🙂
Imagine your friend Max using a term he wasnt aware was offensive.
The impact of his words is harmful, and he should be made aware of this.
However, understanding that the harm wasn’t intentional allows for a nice chat to make things right or better between you too.
Here, intent does play a role and must be considered.
On the other hand, if he consistently makes offensive remarks with the clear intention of causing harm, his intent matters.
The harm he does should not be ignored.
In this case, even if the intended target is not offended, the nature of the action should be condemned because of the ill intent.
- Let’s tackle the often blurred distinction between being “offended” and being “hurt”.
This is essential to avoid the trap of “offended identity”.
1. Being Offended:
- This is often an emotional reaction to perceived wrongdoings.
- It often has intellectual components to it, where your ego and your ideals are challenged.
- It can often be linked to the situation.
2. Being Hurt:
- This is a deeper emotional response with a sense of personal injury or vulnerability.
- Often comes from a personal attack.
- It is linked to the person.
Self-awareness is key to discerning between the two because itll help us separate our ego from our experiences.
- Are you feeling anger because your values have been challenged or is there a deep sense of vulnerability and personal injury?
- Are you defending an ideal or yourself?
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Pause: When feeling offended, pause before reacting. This pause gives you an opportunity to reflect.
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Assess: Determine whether your feeling is a legitimate response to a boundary violation or an injustice.
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Self-Reflect: Reflect on the degree of impact. Are you feeling offended or hurt? And why?
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Engage: If it’s a valid offense, use the situation as a call to action. If not, disengage.
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Educate: If you caused offense, listen and be open to correcting your behavior.
If someone else caused offense, find ways to make the person aware and facilitate a resolution.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, building an identity around offense is a major system error.
One thing I like about robots and machines is that logic inform their decisions.
So what we can learn from this idea?
We can start to cultivate the idea that It’s far more logical to reboot, debug our need to be offended, and choose growth over reaction.
If you liked this post, please share it with a friend 🙂
Stay toned for the next one!
