Manipulation: Are You The Puppeteer or The Pawn
Manipulation is a deceptive game that alters your reality like autocorrect changes your words and blames you for the typo.
It reframes things to fit an agenda while making you question your own perceptions.
Have you ever felt like you were being subtly guided to think or act a certain way, without realizing the strings being pulled behind the scenes?
Let me give you a relatable example.
Imagine you’re strolling down a city street, caught up in your own thoughts.
Suddenly, a stranger approaches you with a warm smile and a hard-luck tale about needing money for a bus ticket home.
Whether it’s true or not is hard to tell, but your defenses are down and your sympathy is high.
So without a second thought, you reach for your wallet.
But in that moment, you’ve already fallen victim to the manipulative powers of a cunning con artist.
This scenario tells us that even the most street-smart of us can be ensnared by manipulation’s subtle art of influence.
The puppet masters are experts at pulling strings while making you feel fully in control.
Their tactics lull you into a false sense of autonomy as you’re being swiftly guided toward their desired outcome.
And make no mistake; manipulation extends far beyond the realms of smooth talkers and charming deceivers.
It’s everywhere, from personal relationships, media narratives, to advertising placements, and even political rhetoric.
As a result of this realm of smoke and mirrors, the boundaries between truth and deception blur.
The most unsettling part? We often don’t recognize the manipulation until it’s too late.
This means that having the ability to discern reality from B.S is an invaluable skill for you and me.
So this might lead you to ponder:
What drives people to manipulate in the first place?
Is it a conscious, calculated choice? Or is manipulation rooted in deeper psychological issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms?
And more importantly, how can we protect ourselves from falling prey to these deceptive tactics?
This blog is going to answer that with practical and science-based insights that will expose not only the tactics but offer real-life scenarios to tie it all up.
You’ll learn what manipulators often say and their underlying motivations that drive their behavior.
Think of this as your handy guide to stop falling to anyone’s manipulative tactics ever again in life.
Let’s get going.
Definition and meaning of manipulation
What Is the Real Meaning of Manipulation?
What do you imagine when you hear the word ‘manipulation’?
It may evoke images of cunning puppeteers and unsuspecting victims inside your head.
For others, it might be even worse.
Yes, manipulation can be very negative and a tool for exploitation.
But it can also exist in a gray area.
Consider a salesperson subtly highlighting a product’s benefits that align with your deepest desires.
Here, influence is used, but not necessarily with malicious intent to get you to do something.
The key lies in understanding the underlying mechanisms.
So, this begs the question:
what is manipulation?
Manipulation is a combination of influence, unequal power dynamics, and leveraging human cognition and biases. Plain and simple.
This combination is what triggers manipulation.
For example, a skilled manipulator identifies your vulnerabilities (desire for approval, FOMO, etc.) and tailors their tactics accordingly to lure you in.
Manipulators might leverage the availability bias by presenting scary scenarios to push you to make a purchase.
Or they might use the reciprocity bias by offering you small favors to create a sense of obligation for you to return the favor for a larger request later.
And all of which is framed in a way that sways your perception (e.g., focusing on potential gains vs. losses).
This applies to not only sales, it applies to almost everything in life.
Think about politics for example.
A charismatic leader or candidate might use social proof (supporting your views or playing on your issues) to sway your opinion.
An insecure friend who might use guilt trips to manipulate your behavior and actions.
You get the picture.
This takes me to the next section.
What Are the Characteristics of Manipulation?
The previous examples are some real-life scenarios of how manipulation works.
But, they all belong to a certain category that all forms the characteristics of manipulation.
Think of this by remembering the acronym RICE which is developed by the CIA:
R – Rewards
I – Ideologies
C – Coercion
E – Ego
So, let’s break down each and give you a real example so you can have an idea.
1. Rewards
trigger the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation.
Manipulators understand this power.
They strategically use rewards to reinforce the desired behaviors they want from you.
The key lies in the schedule of reinforcement.
In other words, they create a sense of anticipation inside of you to keep you motivated.
For example, slot machines exploit this by giving you payouts randomly.
This is intentional so you can keep gambling and wondering what your next big win might be.
A more common example is when your parents allows you to go on trip only if you finish up the chores.
They tapped into your reward system, hacked your dopamine and now you just can’t wait to pack your stuff and disappear.
So the trigger here is to keep this in mind:
Look for situations where someone has undue influence or control over your resources, information, or even emotions.
If you’re aware of how much power others have on you, you can be better prepared to overcome them.
(More on that in part 2).
2. Ideologies
Your ideologies shape how you perceive the world.
Confirmation bias makes you seek information that confirms your existing beliefs and disregard information that contradicts them.
And manipulators are aware of this.
They can tailor their message and frame it to resonate with your specific ideology regardless if it’s true or not.
Let’s take a prime example for that.
Social media algorithms often create echo chambers, exposing you primarily to content that confirms your desires, and existing beliefs.
This is on purpose.
Otherwise, how can they make money if there’s no reason or incentive for you to come back again?
This makes you more susceptible to manipulation by simply appealing to what you believe in and tailor their messaging accordingly.
This concept can be as subtle as social media to a more impactful and life-changing.
Here’s one that changed the world because certain men believed a certain idea.
I’m talking about Nazism.
The Nazis rose to power by using a mix of nationalism, antisemitism, and a deep-seated resentment for Germany’s defeat in World War I.
The Nazis tapped into the ingroup-outgroup bias where they favored one group over the other.
In this regard, they championed the sense of superiority among Germans and demonized Jews as the “outgroup” responsible for Germany’s woes.
Because the Nazis understood the power of confirmation bias, Nazi media relentlessly put out propaganda that:
- Framed Jews as subhuman threats to German purity and prosperity.
- Cherry-picked historical narratives to paint Germans as victims.
- Suppressed dissenting voices and controlled information access.
3. Coercion
“If you’re not going to do what I asked you to do, I’ll tell your girlfriend about that secret you told me about”.
You know where I’m going with this.
When you’re faced with fear (real or perceived), you are more likely to comply to avoid negative consequences.
In this case, manipulators use loss aversion against you here. (Whether they know it or not).
This is basically your tendency to weigh potential losses more heavily than potential gains on your side.
This can also take forms in many other ways.
“If you don’t vote for me, everything will fall apart!”.
How many times have you heard a politician say that in many ways!?
Or ‘limited time offer’ line every time you go online to buy something.
“get rich quick” scheme by getting this one course.
Or my personal favorite: “you’re not good enough” guilt trip. (Thanks for letting me know Sherlock!)
As you can see, it’s all designed to exploit your fear of loss in a way that forces you to make a decision and comply subconsciously.
Now, there’s one major flaw in this type of manipulation.
As you might’ve guessed, it’s not-so-subtle pressure tactic. (Which can be physical, emotional, or financial).
But it’s not a long-term strategy for many reasons in my opinion.
For example, people generally tend to push back against being forced to do something.
I’m sure you can think of many examples in your life that prove this point.
This constant pressure creates psychological resistance and lack of trust in the long run.
Which means what has worked before might not work again in the future because you’ve already cracked it wide open.
It’s the least favorable way to manipulate others but it’s here!
4. Ego
Now, this isn’t about being ego-centric because we all have that ego.
This is more on the perceived ego and image others view us in.
The thing about ego is that it plays a huge role in our decision-making.
This self-serving bias leads you to attribute your successes to internal factors and failures to external factors.
And you guessed it, manipulators are aware of that.
They can inflate your ego by using flattery or appealing to your sense of self-importance.
This can cloud your judgment and make you more susceptible to influence.
For example, a used car salesperson might constantly praise your negotiation skills.
This is key for them because it can make you feel overconfident and more likely to accept a less-than-ideal deal.
So, you’ll feel that you’re being seen from a high ground but in reality, you’re falling into their scheme perfectly.
And there you have it.
That’s how RICE plays out.
There’s a reason why the CIA teaches that because once you understand someone’s behavior, it gets easier to guide them wherever you want.
You can use it in a bad way like some of the examples above or you can do good with it.
For example, because you understand what motivates and drives your friend’s action in life, you might be able to help them clear their vision and have a better life.
(Unless you want them to suck, that’s a different talk!).
How to Recognize Manipulation
What Are the Four Stages of Manipulation?
The concept of four distinct stages in manipulation is not universally agreed upon within behavioral science.
However, there are several common models that describe the manipulative process.
Here are two main frameworks:
1. Targeting, Befriending, Exploiting, Maintaining Control
This model emphasizes the gradual nature of manipulation.
It’s usually seen in abusive relationships:
- Targeting: The manipulator identifies you as his or her next target.
They will start assessing your vulnerabilities and potential for control. (Anyone remembered stalking and serial killers here?). - Befriending: The manipulator builds trust and rapport with you.
They often do this through flattery, charm, or pretending to have shared interests. - Exploiting: Once your trust is gained, the manipulator starts exploiting your vulnerabilities.
This might involve emotional manipulation, financial control, or social isolation tactics. - Maintaining Control: The manipulator employs many tactics to maintain power over you.
Think threats, intimidation, or gaslighting (making you question their own reality).
2. Friendship-Forming, Abusive Relationship Stage
This model focuses on manipulation within interpersonal relationships, mainly child abuse scenarios.
So let’s pretend you’re a kid once more for a couple of minutes:
- Friendship-Forming Stage: The manipulator showers you with attention and affection, potentially offering you gifts or appearing supportive.
- Abusive Relationship Stage: The manipulator’s behavior shifts once trust is gained.
They might resort to insults, verbal abuse, or threats to control you.
This stage can also involve isolation tactics, preventing you from seeking support from friends or family.
What Are Some Common Manipulation Tactics?
Or in other words; how do you tell if someone is manipulating you?
Well, I’ll share with you some practical real-life examples of how that plays out in the next section.
But first, let’s look at the underlying drivers manipulators might use against you according to research:
Gaslighting:
This tactic involves making you question yourself, your memory, and your sanity to gain control over you.
Triangulation:
Manipulators use a third person to sway arguments in their favor, leading you to question them less and isolate you further.
Projection:
This involves projecting their own feelings onto you, like calling you “controlling” when you assert yourself.
They do this to avoid addressing their own issues.
Guilt-Tripping:
Manipulators can make you feel responsible or guilty for their actions to gain leverage over you.
They will lie and twist the facts just so you can go above and beyond for them.
Flattery:
They will shower you with “disingenuous” flattery to gain emotional leverage and manipulate your feelings.
Isolation:
Manipulators may isolate you from friends and family to increase your dependence on them.
This is key because they want to prevent others from spotting the manipulation patterns by any mean.
Evoking Fear:
Using fear as a tool to manipulate you into doing things their way.
And if you don’t comply, they will threaten you of exploiting your secrets or harm you in some way.
As you can tell, all of these tactics are used to erode your self-awareness and to strip you away from your choices.
And if you look at toxic relationships or even friendships, they often have most of these traits.
What Do Manipulators Say?
Preying on Insecurities:
- “You’re not good enough unless…”
This tactic plants seeds of doubt and makes you dependent on the their approval for self-worth. - “Everyone else thinks you’re wrong.”
This isolates you and makes you question your own judgment since everyone else disagrees with you.
Exploiting Emotions:
- “You’re so overreacting!”
This dismisses your feelings and makes you feel like you’re the problem. - “If you really loved me, you’d…” (Jeez, how many times we heard this?!)
This guilt trip leverages affection to control your behavior and pushes you to comply under the name of love. - “You’re the only reason I…”
This plays the victim card, making the manipulator seem helpless and you’re the one responsible for their happiness or misfortune.
Creating Obligations:
- “I did you a huge favor, now you owe me.” or “After all I’ve done for you”
This classic tactic creates a false sense of debt in you which pressures you to comply with the manipulator’s demands.
Isolating You:
- “Don’t listen to them, they don’t understand. You can only trust me”
This tactic undermines your support system and fosters dependence on the manipulator as if you have no one but them.
Using False Choices:
- “It’s either me or them.”
This forces you into an unnecessary dilemma that pressures you to choose either them or others.
I’m sure at some point in your life, you were dealing with such comments. Myself included!
But here’s something you should always remember that I mentioned earlier:
Manipulators are often skilled at tailoring their language to the specific situation and the your vulnerabilities.
Be wary of statements that make you feel
- Doubtful about yourself or your judgment
- Guilty or obligated
- Isolated from your support system
- Force you to make a fast decision. Most good decisions don’t require a rush.
If you made this far, thanks for reading!
I wonder if you had dealt with a manipulator before at work or in life generally?
And what shocked you here in this post?
Feel free to share your comments below.
Until next time 😉
