Attraction: Why You Attract Certain People and Jerks
Robert Goolrick has a powerful quote that captures the essence of attraction and our romantic choices:
if you don’t receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.
This means that when you crave love and can’t find it, you’ll actively seek it out from others in any way possible.
As a result, you might settle for something less than ideal.
Something that simply fulfills other’s expectations of you rather than finding a true connection that fulfills you.
Now before we go further, I really want to clear the air on two misconceptions:
The first one is:
Forget “opposites attract”; that’s for your socks in the dryer, not your love life.
It’s misleading at best.
What you really mean here is the complimentary part, not opposition.
For example, you as an introvert might appreciate an extrovert partner who pushes you out of your lane a bit to go to an event.
And the second idea to realize is:
You’re not what you attract, you’re what you accept.
Let that sink in!
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on.
The truth is, your psychology, biology and past experiences play a huge role in dictating your attraction and ultimately your decisions.
And the research proves it.
These three elements influence 60% of why you’re drawn to someone.
Now this can prompt you to ask many questions:
Why do I end up with a jerk more often?
How did I settle for a toxic partner and missed the signs all along?
What combination of psychological, biological, and experiential factors lead me down these bad romantic paths?
There are so many questions and concerns surround this topic for us Millennials and Gen Z.
Yeah, we’ve got some horror stories to tell our therapists potentially!
But don’t worry, this post is for you.
It’s packed with revealing answers and research that will make everything tick for you.
Consider this a fun yet science-based crash course to putting an end to your cringeworthy choices in partners.
(It’s ok, we’ve all been there in some way, haven’t we?).
Let’s get going!
Why We Seek Attraction From Bad People
Admit it, have you ever found yourself attracted to the rebel?
Let’s face it, we’ve all had that type of attraction at some point growing up.
As one of my friends put it:
“The heart wants what the heart wants…apparently jerks.”
We feel that magnetic pull towards that edgy guy or girl.
That rule-breaking type who just oozes charisma and danger.
At least, that’s what your mind and emotions are directing you to.
It’s a tale as old as time.
But have you ever stopped to analyze why we have this attraction?
The psychology is quite fascinating.
This attraction often stems from our deep-seated desire for excitement and spontaneity.
There’s a good reason for that.
It’s an undeniable thrill for us that comes with escaping the mundane and living a thrilling life with unpredictable possibilities.
Usually, this gets so high during adolescence and might still follow you to adulthood.
It’s the rebel’s air of independence and aversion to societal conventions that you find attractive in them.
Think about a time you had a crush on that class troublemaker or had your heart skip a beat when that edgy free spirit walked by.
You don’t see the other aspects of their life.
All you see is what they’re projecting that’s appealing to you.
Research suggests that some women are attracted to “bad boys” due to their perceived masculinity, assertiveness, and dominance.
All of which typically increase their desirability from our end.
This likely traces back to our primitive need for strong, fearless partners as our protectors and providers.
However, it’s important to analyze if this is just a flirtatious fantasy you have or something more.
While the swagger and thrill can initially intoxicate us, these relationships often lack long-term substance.
This is because:
- such relationships are often built on challenging the rules and pushing boundaries.
- they lack the foundation of mutual respect, trust, and emotional intimacy.
The key is striking a balance between your cravings for adventure and stability.
So embrace your inner rebel, but don’t let it completely ruin and self-sabotage you either.
Unless you want to live on edge almost all the time, you shouldn’t sacrifice maturity and stability.
Someone with high self-awareness and healthy outlook that keeps things interesting and fun with you goes a long way.
Figure out what you’re looking for in a long-term healthy partner and stick to that.
Anything else is a distraction and can rip you off from many healthy partners down the line.
Attraction to The Unavailable
Ever found yourself crazy attracted to someone mainly because they initially seemed disinterested in you?
Yep, we’ve all been there.
It’s one of those mind-boggling aspects that doesn’t make logical sense but is deeply rooted in our psychology and behavior.
I mean, it seems counterintuitive if you think about it.
Why would you be drawn to a person who has little or no interest in you initially?
Well, behavioral scientists have spent decades analyzing the underlying forces and have come up with an answer.
We are due to deep-rooted insecurities around our self-worth, lovability and attachment style.
Research by psychologist Vicki Kafka indicates that those of us who lack a secure sense of self-esteem are more likely to pursue such partners.
This brings me to the following point regarding lovability that drives me nuts!
And so many series and movies sadly are advocating it.
The idea is:
if you put in a lot of effort and “work” to get her to like you back, then it will make you feel more desirable and wanted.
This is so wrong!
It’s almost like:
“If she wasn’t initially interested in me and I was able to win her over through pursuit,
then it proves I must be truly worth her romantic interest and affection.”
The numbers don’t lie either.
Dr. Jeremy Nicholson’s famous “commitment phobic” study found that over 58% of participants said that they are attracted to those with unclear or doubtful interests about them.
Scientists call this the “mania” phase.
How do you know you have that?
It is marked by increased levels of dopamine similar to those caused by addictive substances.
This makes your brain experience a rush from feeling unreciprocated desire from her or him.
So you go out of your lane to do whatever it takes to satisfy this rush.
I’m sure you can see how damaging this is to your personal values and self-worthiness.
Rule of thumb here:
Only fight for those who are willing to fight for you and showing you logical healthy signs of partnership and compatibility.
Ignore the rest.
Ok, here’s another interesting thing about this desire.
This type of behavior can be traced back to our ancestors. (Thank you 1327th grandpa!).
There’s an instinctive urge to “win over” an unreceptive mate from an evolutionary psychology perspective.
Ancestral roots could predispose us to crave challenging courtship rituals.
This dates back to a time when showing your “worthiness” meant being an exceptional and highly respected companion.
Now up until this point, you have an idea behind this attraction.
Here’s how this plays out in practice to tie it all together:
Imagine yourself very accomplished and have a crush on that girl in the office.
Everyone is showing you signs of admirations and you can feel you’re special.
But that girl doesn’t seem to be visibly impressed by your achievements.
Her subtle disinterest and unattainability makes you crave her approval madly.
So you go out of your way to simply get her attention and approval by doing God knows what.
The sad part here is that more often, she’ll dislike you even more because she’d feel your low self-esteem.
Now, this could work on people with low barrier to entry if you know what I mean or gold diggers.
A high-value woman would most likely prefer the direct approach and a mature collected man.
So, if you obsessively pursue an emotionally unavailable partner, hit pause.
You’re ultimately setting yourself up for an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
The key is to recognize this tendency when it arises and address the root self-worth issues.
This is usually a result of growing up in a family that celebrated you only when you hit a major goal.
It’s bad, but you are not doomed by it.
The key here always goes back to self-awareness.
Everything else is attached to how aware you are.
Attraction to Someone Who Reminds Us of a Caregiver
When your attraction feels like,, home?
Feeling drawn to partners who remind us of a parent or primary caregiver from childhood sounds a bit weird right?
I like to call this “Deja Vu Romance”. (You heard it here first!).
Well, the psychology behind this will blow your mind.
At the core, this type of attraction taps into the powerful concept of “transference” that psychologists talk about.
You unconsciously transfer and project significant emotional experiences from your early life onto new romantic partners as adults.
This ultimately forms your attachment style.
If you had a warm, nurturing relationship with your parents, you may find yourself drawn to potential partners with similar qualities like care and dependability.
In fact, a famous study published in PubMed proved that.
Some have reported they are with their partners because they share common personality traits or physical appearance similar to their parents.
Wild, right?!
I think there is a reason for that.
From an analytical perspective, you want familiarity because it makes you feel safe.
As a result, your adult brain may misinterpret that sense of familiarity as the spark of romantic chemistry with that person.
Why is that?
It’s simply because he or she reminds you of your parent or caregivers.
In fact, an old friend of mine always had a thing for guys with deep paternal/provider vibes.
She always joked how every boyfriend she had seemed to remind her of her dorky but loving dad who went above and beyond for the family.
For me, I remember being drawn to a girl in college mainly because her personality mirrored the kind-hearted and supportive mother who raised me.
Now, I have to caution you of something.
This ‘healthy and safe’ mirroring can seem ok on the surface.
However, getting too hung up on reliving childhood dynamics through your romantic partners can be problematic.
Why is that?
Because, you can’t live your future with the past as the driver.
It blocks your personal growth.
What happens if you end up with a partner who perfectly recreates unhealthy patterns from your past like childlike dependency or unresolved trauma?
Remember the familiarity effect?
That’s why.
The ideal thing here that you can do is to become self-aware about this tendency and work on the negative aspects of your past.
Therapy is a great tool here to close the loop on these past experiences.
This will help you to consciously choose partners who nurture your independence while providing emotional security.
So, indulge yourself the familiarity for a deeper soul-bond.
But don’t let it hold you back from a beautifully interdependent, mature relationship.
After all, isn’t that the golden goal of intimacy you and I are after?
Attraction to Toxic People
“I thought they were just passionate and misunderstood, turns out they were just a massively dysfunctional hot mess.”
If I were to guess, most of us would’ve likely had a partner with toxic traits at some point.
You know the type; manipulative, draining, and likely to leave you questioning your self-worth.
Yet for some reason, we have them around.
The psychology behind this gets dark but enlightening.
And as you might have guessed, it all comes back to your unhealthy childhood experiences or trauma.
It creates a sick cycle within you of craving the emotional chaos.
In other words:
The on/off reinforcement that toxic partners provide you would feel as some warped form of familiar love and passion.
Researchers found that 64% of people end up in a toxic relationship at some point.
Even more mind-blowing insight?
95% of women in relationships with partners high in psychopathic traits experience emotional harm.
But, through observing my friends’ relationships and my own research, I’ve cracked the code on this.
There’s often an insidious belief inside most of us that being treated poorly is what we deserve based on past hurt.
We even have our anxious tendency to try to “fix” or be the good in a toxic partner’s life despite their toxic behavior.
This is all but a way to overcompensate our personal issues around worthiness and control.
So why we tend to stick around in such relationships?
The constant cycle of make-ups and breakups we go through brings highs of hope followed by depressive lows.
I wrote about this recently. It’s called the cycle of abuse.
Even though it is agonizing, we are subconsciously addicted to the emotional turbulence.
The hard truth is, no amount of good efforts or actions you can do that will ever be enough for a toxic partner.
Their issues are deep-seated and very unlikely to change through your sacrifices and walk-on-eggshells efforts.
But how do you know your relationship is actually toxic?
Check this in-depth guide about toxic relationship where you’ll know everything that is to know about this topic.
Trust your intuition when those red flags start waving.
Talk or clarify that with your partner to clear things out.
Remember that communication is the life pulse of your relationship.
If things don’t really add up or make sense, have the courage to remove your rose-tinted lenses.
You deserve a healthy relationship, free from emotional blackmail.
Attraction to Intelligent People
For you, maybe the biggest turn-on has nothing to do with looks or bad-boy attitudes.
It could be all about mental prowess and intelligence that lights you up.
If you find yourself drawn to those with big brains over big muscles, you’re definitely not alone.
At its core, this attraction is driven by a craving for deep mental stimulation and curiosity.
For me, I value traits like depth, unique ideas, and intellectual discourse.
Talking about abstract concepts or complex theories gets me more excited than superficial small talk.
If that’s also you, it actually makes sense from a psychological perspective.
We’re wired to be attracted to qualities that ensure healthy offspring and a stable partnership.
These abilities signal to us a better ability to cooperate, solve problems together, and potentially raise accomplished kids.
This is especially true if quality time is your primary love language.
For me, I can’t see myself in a relationship if this language, the enduring meeting of the minds, and someone who truly gets me are missing.
That doesn’t mean you and I don’t value EQ, awareness and other qualities in our partner, but you get my point.
Now, there are other love languages as you know.
I’m not particularly fund of these love languages as a benchmark but they’re there if you want to check.
So, whatever appeals to you will make more sense.
Of course, there can be downsides if the intellectual differences between you and your partner are too extreme.
The issues arise if you feel mentally intimidated by your partner (ego kick!).
This means you might have some difficulties relating emotionally to her and can lack the ability to have proper communication with your partner.
The key is finding that compatibility sweet spot where intellectual curiosity and capabilities are balanced.
So, come up with a list of attractive qualities you’ll never compromise followed by great-to-have layers or traits.
This will inform your future decisions around your relationship and will ensure you’re maximizing your chances of being with a healthy partner.
Quick Reminders
We all just crave connection in some ways.
Try not to self-sabotage or ignore your boundaries in the process just to be in a ‘relationship’.
Work on yourself. Become healthier. Heal from the past and move forward.
Thanks for reading!
Let me know what your thoughts are about the topic.
And what is a lesson you learned if you were in contact with any of the types I mentioned?
Abuse the comment section.
Until next time 🙂
