Dating in Your 30s: Advice From a Millennial
Dating in your 30s is like a soft neighborhood dad-rock cover band; reliable and good, sometimes misunderstood, but always true to itself.
Here’s where things take a shift compared to dating in your 20s.
Remember scrolling through many dating profiles in your 20s, feeling like everyone else had their whole life perfectly curated?
“Travel enthusiast! Foodie! Passionate about making a difference!” type of bios?
Meanwhile, you’re internally debating whether pizza counts as “gourmet” and your biggest adventure last year was making the perfect at-home burrito bowl.
You know what I mean.
Here’s the truth:
Dating in your 20s is like attending a networking event:
Everyone’s putting on their best face and trying to impress.
And the connections often feel as terrible as the complimentary shrimp salad. (Gross!)
However, things are different in your 30s.
Think of it like this:
dating in your 30s is like a cozy dinner party with close friends.
You’ve shed mostly the need to impress and embraced who you truly are.
Maybe you’re the introverted homebody who loves a good book and a steaming cup of tea.
Or perhaps you’re the career-driven go-getter who thrives on city life.
Whatever your flavor, you own it.
This newfound authenticity becomes your secret weapon.
Gone are the days of forcing conversations about topics that leave you feeling like a social chameleon.
Instead, you attract partners who appreciate your unique quirks and interests and are compatible with your desires and needs.
As a 31-year-old myself, I can say that the quiet evenings spent doing things I love than a night out will seem to be a selling point to you, not a stigma.
Rather than minimizing who you truly are, you’re finally free to amplify and celebrate yourself and ideas authentically.
And surprisingly, that’s exactly what will attract healthy, like-minded connections into your life.
Yes, in your 30s, you understand the true meaning of the word ‘genuine’ because you now can understand yourself better. (more on that below).
This doesn’t only make your dating life better, but you’re more self-aware and what you want to do in your life.
You start to realize that real intimacy forms when you and your partner feel empowered to embrace your truths openly.
And now, the idea of performing something out of character feels insincere and staged to you.
So if you’re single or dating in your 30s, this is for you.
Enter at your discretion!
P.S. If you missed part 1, you can check it out here for a deep dive into that reality with a dash of humor.
So, let’s get started.
Dating in Your 30s: Mindset and Priorities
Remember when you thought dating in your 20s was rough? Buckle up, buttercup!
Ok, jokes aside.
Dating in your 30s is actually way better than your 20s dating.
There’s a chance you’ll find someone decent, but the odds are probably stacked against you.
Why is that?
Because now you have different set of priorities and aspirations in a partner.
Some of these priorities were present in your 20s as you’ll see below and some weren’t.
This is probably because they weren’t the most important for you at the time or you weren’t too self-aware to realize them early on.
So, you end up in a narrow pool but the quality of such partners is immensely high.
Here are some of the mindset shifts you might have as you are dating in your 30s coming from 31-year-old:
Individuality and Self Love
Let’s face it, society loves throwing expiration dates on things.
Milk? One week. Your gym membership after New Year’s? Debatable.
And the most ridiculous expiration date of all? Your dating life in your 30s.
But here’s the thing, hitting a new decade doesn’t magically turn you into an outdated individual.
In fact, dating in your 30s can be a prime time to find love, but only if you ditch the “shoulds” and embrace two major things:
- Embrace “your true personality” and your deepest desires.
- Work on your self-awareness and attachment style.
These two will paly significantly in all aspects of your life, including your dating life.
Remember that time in your 20s when you morphed yourself to social pretzels, trying to fit some generic “perfect partner” mold?
I saw many people and friends on dates pretending to love jazz and faking an interest in something they have no clue about to please their dates.
I had my share of such things too in my early 20s.
Let’s just say, those dates were about as exciting as watching paint dry.
Things change in your 30s.
The thing is: when you radiate a strong sense of individuality and confidence, it becomes a beacon for those who appreciate your authenticity.
But embracing individuality goes beyond just your interests.
It is a two-way street.
Don’t just talk about yourself – actively listen to your date’s passions and interests.
Ask insightful questions that go beyond the superficial.
What makes their eyes light up?
Do they have healthy habits?
What have they accomplished or learned in life and what plans do they have?
How do they define their core values?
What type of partner they’re willing to be with?
Surely, you should ask yourself the same questions and see if your date is aligned with you or not.
A truly fulfilling relationship thrives on the interplay of strong individualities.
You should inspire and challenge each other to grow, not blend into a beige blob of “sameness.”
So, ditch the expiration date worries, it’s only the beginning of something real ahead.
Dating in Your 30s With JOMO
Remember that constant feeling of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) in your 20s?
Weekend plans blurring into one another, a never-ending cycle of social obligations?
Yeah, me too.
Back then, I had maybe one or two close friends.
The rest of my social life resembled a collection of participation trophies – I was there, but I wasn’t truly connected with anyone.
I’m sure you felt this way too around some of your ‘friends’.
The beautiful truth about your 30s is that you unlock the power of JOMO (Joy of Missing Out).
You start to appreciate the quality of connections over the sheer quantity.
Gone are the days of feeling obligated to attend every event.
Instead, you cherish the deep conversations with a close friend over a chocolate drink (my favorite!).
You appreciate more now the shared laughter and depth of conversations with just one person more than ever.
And maybe the pure joy of finally getting around to reading that novel you’ve been eyeing for months (because let’s face it, sometimes the best company is your own).
Here’s the secret:
Strong friendships in your 30s are built on genuine connection and shared experiences.
Figure out what makes you alive and content and explore communities based on your interests.
Whether it’s a book club, a hiking group, or a local volunteer organization, the list is wide.
Your 30s are the perfect time to rediscover (or discover!) your passions.
Maybe it’s finally the time to mastering the art of cake baking (because who doesn’t love the smell of freshly baked cake through their apartment?!).
So ditch the pressure to maintain a massive friend group and embrace the JOMO of your 30s.
Focus on cultivating quality connections, nurturing your hobbies, and enjoying the freedom to explore who you truly are.
After all, the best relationships, both platonic and romantic, often blossom when you’re comfortable and confident in your own skin.
Dating in Your 30s: New Superpower Unlocked
Most of our 20s were a dating masterclass in ignoring our gut instincts.
You might have clung to relationships that felt like ill-fitting sweaters, all because “better the devil you know, right?”
Wrong. That devil can leave you feeling discontent, frustrated, and longing for something better.
The beautiful truth about dating in your 30s is that you’ve (hopefully) developed a powerful internal compass – your intuition.
In my previous relationship, I ignored a glaring red flag that was like a blinking neon sign that said “RUN!”
I eventually talked about that with her and she promised a change.
I thought that a partner who never followed through on promises would eventually “change.” Let me tell you, they didn’t.
So here’s the thing:
in your 30s, you have the wisdom and strength to listen to your gut.
Red flags like disrespect, dishonesty, or lack of trust (which was in my case) are a fundamental clash in values and not to be ignored.
They’re signals that your partner isn’t compatible with you deeply, and that counts more than anything else.
However, there’s a difference between a fleeting anxiety and a persistent gut feeling.
Learn to recognize the difference since you might have an anxious attachment style that is feeding your stress.
If something feels consistently off, even after open communication, it’s time to trust your instincts, and talk to clear things out.
Don’t confuse this with giving up on love altogether.
Ending an incompatible relationship is a brave act that paves the way for something truly fulfilling ahead.
Remember, trusting your gut in your 30s is about honoring your worth and setting boundaries.
You deserve a partner who makes you feel cherished, respected, and excited. Not in inner turmoil.
Intellect and Emotional Maturity Are Unnegotiable Anymore
The beauty of dating in your 30s is the opportunity to seek out connections that are deep.
Depending on how self-aware you are at that time, you start to crave partners who can engage in stimulating conversations.
Partners who challenge your perspectives and create a space for emotional vulnerability and growth together.
In short, you want someone who sparks your mind and touches your heart.
In a culture that’s obsessed with instant gratification, this is definitely achievable.
If this is a priority for you (which it should be), you have to be clear about your deal breakers here.
Do you value intellectual curiosity? Someone who can hold their own in a debate about philosophy or astrophysics?
Maybe you value someone who prioritizes communication, respects boundaries, and is emotionally available.
Now, here’s the fun part: translating those deal breakers into action.
Seek out dates and activities that encourage stimulating conversations.
Visit museums, attend lectures, or join a book club focused on a topic that excites you.
The right partner will be someone who thrives on these intellectual adventures and enjoys the back-and-forth of ideas.
But remember, depth goes beyond just intellectual compatibility.
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and share your true feelings and ideas.
It’s a sign of maturity and strength. (Toxic masculinity has advocated against that but it is the opposite).
Someone who appreciates the depth of your thoughts and emotions, and who you can grow with intellectually and emotionally is irreplaceable.
You Build Resilience in Your 30s
Dating in your 20s could be a real emotional rollercoaster.
A single bad date could send you spiraling into a social media stalking session fueled by Adele and questionable choices (like that third slice of pizza at 2 am).
But, dating in your 30s is different.
Remember how rejection in your 20s felt like getting hit in the face with a dodgeball?
In your 30s, you’ve (hopefully) developed some serious reflexes. In this case, it’s resilience.
You’ve learned that a bad date doesn’t define you, just like a missed job application doesn’t mean you’re unemployable.
Instead, you think of rejection now as a sign you’re actively seeking a connection that truly aligns with you.
To cultivate resilience, it’s all about being self-aware and managing expectations from others.
Here are a few things to keep in mind to help you become more resilient:
keep your expectations low while maintaining a positive outlook.
Avoid overthinking, over-expecting, and over-romanticizing situation.
Also, understand that constant communication may not be necessary in the initial phases of dating.
Give yourself and your date some space to assess your feelings and interactions without feeling pressured to be in constant contact.
Focus on appreciating your partner for who they are rather than expecting them to meet all your predefined expectations.
(This is secure attachment in action).
This can reduce unnecessary conflicts and foster a more positive relationship dynamic between you too.
(Provided you don’t clash fundamentally of course)
Commitment and Balance Are Key For You Now
In your 30s, you’re no longer that carefree youngster with all the time in the world.
You’ve got a career on the rise, aging parents you might be caring for, maybe a side project to work on and more.
Dating can feel like trying to squeeze an extra meeting into an already overflowing calendar.
Behavioral science tells us that our priorities shift as we age.
We seek partners who complement our established lives, not disrupt them.
This can actually be a good thing.
You’re more likely to find someone who appreciates your drive and ambition, someone who’s looking for a teammate, not just a date.
That’s why and as the research shows, we become less picky about certain attributes in a partner as we grew older.
We start to place more focus on compatibility, personality, social integration, and personal growth.
(Yes, physical appearance still plays a role, but you’re not neglecting the core traits as you were probably in your 20s.)
Someone who can see what you’re trying to achieve and they support you all the way because they genuinely want to see you happy.
That’s what most of us in our 30s will look for.
This takes me to the next section.
No Rush to End Singlehood in Your 30s
Here are some scientific insights.
Our brains are wired for social connection, and for most of human history, coupling up in our 20s made perfect evolutionary sense.
But the modern world, dating in our 30s throws a fascinating curveball at our primal urges.
Science shows a curious decline in our “dating urgency” as we age.
(I’m talking about healthy individuals and not those who act like they’re in their teens).
This isn’t some societal pressure lift – it’s a biological shift.
Prefrontal cortex development, the area associated with decision-making and impulse control, peaks in our 30s.
This translates to a more discerning approach to your dating choices and life generally.
So you tend later on to prioritize quality over quantity, seeking partners who align with your established values and desires at this age.
This decline in urgency is a good thing.
Imagine it as a built-in filter.
You’re less likely to settle for fleeting flings and more likely to invest time and energy in connections with long-term potential.
As a result, solitude and staying single become more of a currency to you.
In fact, research by psychologist Barry Schwartz proves how important solitude is especially at this stage.
In his work “paradox of choice,” he highlights how the abundance of options in modern society can lead us to decision fatigue and decreased satisfaction with choices made.
This is why solitude serves as a valuable getaway from this constant decision-making.
It offers you a chance to reconnect with yourself, free from external pressures to make better choices later.
You start to value more quietness, a nice home-cooked meal and a cozy evening inside most of the time.
So, your 30s might be the perfect time to find a love that truly complements who you truly are and where you want to be in life.
Don’t settle – embrace the discerning nature of your 30s and find a partner who makes the wait worth it.
Know When to Walk Away
You’ve invested time and energy into this connection, and the thought of walking away stings.
But here’s the truth:
prioritizing your well-being isn’t about being cold-hearted, it’s about self-respect for both of you.
Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions, and sometimes we cling to connections that don’t truly serve us.
So, how do you know when it’s time to walk away?
Well, there are some overt and covert signs that only you can choose whether or not your relationship deserves and ending.
Dishonesty, disrespect, abuse and lack of trust for example are more of overt signs.
Emotional manipulation, ineffective communication, co-dependency, and ego-centricity in problem-solving to name a few are more of subtle signs.
Whatever reason you deem as the end, walking away isn’t a failure; it’s a sign of strength.
Whether you’re dating in your 30s or even in your 50s, It shows you value yourself enough to walk towards connections that nurture and support you.
No one likes to be left out drained and in constant fear with toxic waves.
Parting Words
You accept the love you think you deserve.
You can do hundreds of small things to get that one girl or guy or you can make yourself so worthy, centered, and aware that you can get any girl or guy you want.
Tiny shift in perspective, big difference in outcome and self-perception.
You choose!
“You don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry the person you can’t live without.”
– Rafael Ortiz
