Emotional Blackmail: Millennials and Gen Z Self-Defense Manual
To me as a millennial, emotional blackmail in our generation is like a pandemic to our psyche.
It should be classified as one of those mind viruses that infect our sense of self-worth if we’re not immunized against it. Sucks!
Couple that with the idea that we Millennials and Gen Z are more prone to anxiety and stress compared to the other generations due to many factors. (Check this post to learn more).
All of this has made emotional manipulation more intoxicating and present in our lives.
Now, here’s a counterintuitive argument:
You’ve been told your whole life to “respect your elders” and “family comes first.”
But what if those closest to you are actually the ones disrespecting your boundaries and emotional well-being?
It’s time to question the conventional wisdom.
Emotional blackmail is insidious and has probably slipped under your radar, until now.
Used by toxic partners, parents, friends and colleagues, it’s a psychological abuse designed to control you through fear, obligation and guilt. (FOG).
“If you really cared about me…”
“After all I’ve done for you…”
Sound familiar?
That’s the language of blackmailers attempting to take away your autonomy.
Previous generations may have been conditioned to just tolerate these manipulation tactics in the name of keeping the peace or honoring family ties.
But, the story is different for us Millennials and Gen Z.
We don’t have that excuse.
As a millennial or Gen Zer, you’re more empowered than ever to prioritize your mental health and self-respect.
Thankfully, we have brought more attention to mental health issues and self-development than any other generation.
So, keeping up with this theme, this is the no-BS guide that will help you break down emotional blackmail’s slippery tactics in simple terms.
You’ll learn to identify the explicit and implicit methods manipulators use to violate your boundaries and take advantage of your insecurities.
More importantly, you’ll get practical strategies and real-life scenarios to help shut that nonsense down for good.
Think of this as your manual for reclaiming power over your choices and self-worth and recognizing manipulation easily.
So let’s get on with it.
Understanding Emotional Blackmail
What is Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation and forced control where someone tries to exploit your feelings of love, loyalty, guilt, or fear to get what they want.
It involves making you feel afraid, obligated, or guilty for not doing what the manipulator wants.
So how does this play out in real life?
Here are a few examples they use:
1. Fear, Guilt, and Obligation:
“If you really loved me you would…” or “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
2. Conditional Love:
Implying their feelings and the relationship depends on your obedience.
“You’re being so selfish, I’m starting to fall out of love with you.”
3. Martyrdom:
Acting as if they are the victim by making sacrifices to make you feel guilty.
“I give and give to this family and never get anything in return.”
4. Threat of Rejection:
Making threats to punish you if you don’t do their demands.
“I’ll leave you if…” or “You’re going to lose me over this.”
You get the picture.
The common thing about emotional blackmailers is that they often use such tactics to:
- override your boundaries
- control your behaviors,
- and make you prioritize their wants over your own needs.
It’s a form of abuse that can deeply damage your self-esteem and faith in the relationship.
Think of it as a psychological tug-of-war, but instead of a rope, they’re pulling your heartstrings.
Now, you might be thinking, “Isn’t a little guilt-tripping normal?”
Well, we’ve all used a playful nudge here and there.
But emotional blackmail is different.
It’s persistent, manipulative, and leaves you feeling emotionally drained and belittled.
Now that you know what emotional blackmail is, it’s time to see how it works and happens in your relationship with such a toxic partner.
The Six Stages of Manipulation: How Emotional Blackmail Works
Emotional blackmail goes through six stages of manipulation as outlined by Dr. Susan Forward.
An author and therapist who coined the terms in 1997 in her book:
“Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You.”
Here are the 6 stages and a real-life example to tie them all nicely.
Demand:
The emotional blackmailer demands you to do something for them.
They use emotional manipulation, whether subtly or outright to get that out of you.
Example: Your friend: “Ugh, I need help studying for this exam tomorrow.
You’re basically a biology genius, right?” (Subtle guilt trip + flattery)
Pun: This “friend” is just trying to fish for your help with a guilt-laced lure.
Don’t be their emotional catfish!
Resistance:
Here, you resist doing what they demand you to do for one reason or another.
This is a situation the emotional blackmailer dislikes.
You: “Actually, I have a big deadline myself.
Maybe we can study together after I get that done?”
This is a healthy boundary setting from your end.
Pressure:
If you keep refusing what they demand you to do, the emotional blackmailer will start to apply some pressure to ensure your compliance.
They might say things like:
“I’m only thinking of you when I’m asking you to do this”.
“I know what’s right for you”.
“If you really care about me, you’d do it for me”.
Now in the case of the previous example, they might up their pressure a bit which makes you feel a bit uncomfortable
Your friend: “Ugh, fine. But if I fail, it’s your fault.
You could’ve helped a friend out!” (Guilt trip + veiled threat)
Pun: This pressure cooker situation is getting hotter.
Don’t let their guilt trip burn you!
Threats:
After pressure, they start using threats.
They do this either to harm you or themselves which maximizes the emotional manipulation.
At this stage, threats can take 3 shapes:
- Direct: ”should you leave later with your friends, you won’t see me when you’re back”.
- Indirect: “If you can’t stay with me tonight when I need you, maybe someone else will.”
(Guilt trip + masked threat of replacement) - Positively-coated threat: ”If you stay here tonight, we can watch a movie and have a nicer time than with your friends”
This can be good on the surface, but it’s suspiciously self-serving if it happens often.
Your friend: “Whatever. Guess I’ll just probably fail and I won’t be able to go to that concert with you next week.”
(Emotional hostage situation)
Pun: This friend is holding your concert ticket hostage with their emotional meltdown.
Don’t get sucked into this drama!
Compliance:
Faced with rising pressure and threats, your resistance crumbles.
You might even question whether your initial refusal was justified.
The reward for giving in? A temporary reprieve and calmness.
As a result, the blackmailer gets what they want, and a facade of peace comes down to your interactions.
You: “Okay, okay, fine! I’ll help you study.” (Exhausted sigh)
Sadly, this is where many mistakenly think it’s over.
The thing is that this calmness is fleeting and temporary.
It sets the stage for the cycle to repeat itself later on.
Repetition:
The cycle restarts with a new demand and follows the same emotional blackmail loop.
This repeated pattern conditions you to avoid the manipulator’s wrath and succumb to their controlling behavior.
So as you can tell, it’s a form of emotional abuse that undercuts your autonomy and boundaries.
Types of Emotional Blackmail
You’ve seen how emotional blackmail plays out with some examples.
But did you know that their behaviors and the attitude they project can be categorized into 4 main types?
Think of them as emotional blackmailer archetypes.
Let’s touch and clarify each as simply as possible.
The Punisher:
This blackmailer is all about control.
They use forms of direct threats and intimidation to get what they want from you.
Think “my way or the highway” with a lot of anger and disrespect when it’s needed.
They can be intimidating and prey on your fear of loss or abandonment to make you comply.
The Self-Punisher:
This master of emotional manipulation threatens to harm themselves if you don’t comply to their demands.
They guilt trip you into becoming their emotional hostage.
”If you don’t help me out, I’d be sleeping in the streets, do you want that to happen?
How could you be ok with this”.
You get the picture.
The Sufferer:
The silent treatment is their weapon of choice against you.
They play the victim, hoping your desire to avoid conflict will make you cave in.
Also, they normally exhibit traits of anxiety, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, or a history of trauma.
So they use emotional manipulation as a means to seek love and validation from you.
Guilt, fear, threats or other vulnerabilities are what they normally use to control you and others.
The Tantalizer:
This blackmailer dangles rewards to manipulate you.
They use promises of a better future (the carrot) or subtly withdraw affection (the stick) to get their way with you.
Here’s an example:
Let’s say you meet your manager and he praises you for a job well done.
Then, they hype your ambitions by offering you something lucrative in the future.
”If you keep up this work and take more responsibilities, I’d be able to promote you to a senior role in the next promotion round”, they say.
Surely, you’re all excited and you agree.
You skip dinners, weekends, friends and family gatherings just to live up to their expectations.
Fast forward, the senior role you were promised was filled,,, by someone else.
You’re livid now. So you go and talk with them.
“A promotion? Did I say that?
“You really think I have time for hiring decisions right now with everything on my plate?
“Maybe if you were more focused on your current job…”
Their words sting you with gaslighting dismissal.
You’re left so disappointed, depleted from the hustle, and doubtful that this potential “reward” you sacrificed for will ever arrive.
Their thinking pattern here is simple:
Glorify your efforts until their needs are met, then devalue you and move the goal posts.
All while denying any promises in the first place.
The Damage: The Impact of Emotional Blackmail and Manipulation
The impact has both psychological and relational echo.
Here are some science-based impacts:
Eroded Self-Esteem:
Constant belittling, criticism and undue guilt eats away at your self-confidence and awareness.
You start questioning your reality and internalizing the manipulator’s negative projections about you.
Conflict Avoidance
Many of us have a strong aversion to conflict, anger, and negative emotions.
We may go to great lengths to sidestep an argument, unpleasant scene or any friction that could disrupt any harmony.
Obviously, that’s wrong because we must be ok with conflict.
“Delayed conflict is a multiplied conflict”
– Jordan Peterson
Manipulators can sense your desire to avoiding conflict.
So, they purposely raise hostilities to a high level through yelling, threatening, or giving the silent treatment.
Their excessive drama make you want to defuse the situation quickly, even if it means surrendering your position.
“You’re making me so upset – is that what you want?”
“If you’re not going to listen, I’m just going to stop talking!”
Aggressive door slamming, smashing things around, etc.
That’s why, you avoid conflict with them especially after they show you how damaging and dangerous they could be.
Loss of Independence:
Having your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors continually overridden trains you to prioritize the manipulator’s desires over your own needs.
You simply start to lose the ability to think and act independently.
Anxiety and Depression:
The internal turmoil of being always controlled coupled with the sense of helplessness can lead you to face clinical anxiety and depression.
It’s always better to check your health in the relationship you’re in and see whether or not it’s adding or draining your energy.
Trauma Bonding:
Paradoxically, you may feel a dysfunctional attachment and dependency on your abuser during this ongoing cycle.
This is normally the case due to fear and the projected ‘temporary’ tenderness you get from them when you comply.
Difficulty Trusting
This is unfortunate.
When someone keeps manipulating and gaslighting your view of reality, it makes it hard to trust your own thoughts and decisions going forward.
Relationship Troubles:
The manipulative patterns you’ve experienced get internalized.
That makes it hard for you to have healthy, balanced dynamics in future relations.
Physical health issues:
The chronic stress of emotional blackmail you have been getting can manifest in physical symptoms.
Headaches, digestive problems, and weakened immune function are some examples.
Breaking Emotional Blackmail Cycle
Boundaries and Assertive Communication
Emotional blackmail use manipulation tactics to break your boundaries.
However, it’s important to distinguish this from simply having reasonable expectations and consequences in relationships.
Setting healthy boundaries is not manipulation.
A boundary is a limit you set to protect your principles, emotional health, and define what behaviors you will or won’t accept. Plain and simple.
One of the hallmarks of a strong boundary is that it is all about you.
In other words, anything that represents you and “I” statements are in the core of that boundary.
“Name-calling is not okay with me.”
“I need at least one evening per week just for myself.”
This leads to being assertive in your communication and the red flags you’re not going to tolerate.
And this is important because emotional manipulators as you know now are all about breaking your boundaries and avoiding accountability.
That’s why, clear assertive enforcement of your boundaries doesn’t give their mind games and guilt-tripping any room to work.
It shows you won’t be coerced or controlled.
For example:
It’s reasonable to say:
I’m unable to lend you money.
I understand you’re frustrated but I need you to respect my position.
Those are financial boundaries.
That’s not blackmail – it’s you asserting what you will and won’t do.
Using the same example, emotional blackmail will sound more like:
“If you really loved me, you’d go into debt for me.
I guess our relationship just isn’t a priority.”
The difference lies in respecting your stance versus trying to exploit your allegiances and fears.
They Will Rush You. Stay Calm Smartly
When an emotional manipulator tries to back you into a corner, resist being rushed into a decision or action that violates your boundaries.
Simply, taking a pause and calming down can be a powerful asset to your autonomy.
Remember, there is a reason why manipulators rely on creating a pressured emotional state that clouds your judgment.
That’s part of it.
They’ll try to push you into compliance by escalating tensions and demands in the heat of the moment.
“I need an answer now!” “You’re being completely unreasonable!”
However, we all know (sadly) giving an impulsive response when charged up on adrenaline and arousal rarely ends well.
You’re more likely to later regret giving in out of desperation to stop the conflict.
This is exactly what the manipulator wants – to exhaust your resistance.
A simple tactic from a behavioral science lens is to recognize when you’re getting flooded with anxiety, anger or other charged emotions.
“I’m not comfortable making a decision now. I need some time to think it over calmly.”
Simply saying that give you a space, even if just a brief recess, to disrupt their attempts to forcefully rush you.
Identify Your Triggers: Understanding What Makes You Vulnerable
Emotional manipulators are really good at finding the things that make you feel insecure or upset and then using those things against you.
We all have certain experiences, fears or sensitivities that feel like our “emotional kryptonite.”
When the manipulator activates those triggers, we feel exposed and vulnerable.
For you, it might be threats of being abandoned or feeling worthless.
For others, it’s failure, harsh criticism or having to deal with confrontation.
The manipulator carefully studies your weak spots and applies maximum pressure there.
If having people leave you is your biggest fear, they’ll threaten to abandon you.
And if you can’t handle criticism, they’ll belittle your work and put you down.
They aim right for your emotional weak spots.
The more aware you can become of what pushes your emotional buttons, the easier it is for you to anticipate and resist the manipulator’s tactics.
Maybe you had a rough childhood that made abandonment feel terrifying.
Or you were only loved if you achieved things growing up.
So getting in tune with your emotional landmines within yourself is important.
You can slowly defuse their power over time and become more self-aware.
This self-awareness is key to regulate your emotions.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
– Carl Jung
In the end, I’ve found that these tactics work really well to handle a manipulator in my experience.
Another alternative is to talk with them and highlight how they’re making you feel.
If they have some maturity and awareness, they might admit their mistakes and could promise changes.
Otherwise, It’s worth noting that seeking professional help, leaving the relationship, or using the law (if they are causing any danger) are some other ways to go about it.
Nothing worth ruining your emotional state for. Remember this!
Thanks for reading!
What do you think? Have you been in a situation where you had a similar experience?
Let me know what you learned from that experience in the comment section below.
Until next time 🙂
