Spotting Gaslighting Tactics in Relationships and Breaking Free
Introduction
Gaslighting: where reality gets a makeover, and suddenly you’re doubting whether you even locked the front door this morning or if doors even exist.
In simple words, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone manipulates you into doubting your own thoughts and feelings.
It’s not always easy to spot, but understanding it is crucial for your well-being.
One of the main reasons why manipulators use gaslighting is to gain power and control over you, making it a serious issue that affects your mind and relationships.
Imagine questioning your own memory or feeling confused about events that happened.
That’s what gaslighting can do. It can make you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality.
So in this article, we will explore what gaslighting is, why it matters, the common tactics used, its psychological effects, and how you can safeguard yourself from it.
Its my attempt here to breakdown all that is to know about gaslighting and empower you to stand strong and maintain healthy relationships.
Lets start!
What Is Gaslighting and Why Does It Matter?
As stated earlier, gaslighting is when someone tries to make you doubt yourself and make you unsure about your own thoughts and feelings.
And obviously, this makes you feel confused and powerless.
Interestingly enough, did you know that the term “gaslighting” has its origins in the 1938 play Gas Light by British playwright Patrick Hamilton?
Briefly, this psychological thriller tells the story of a husband, Jack Manningham, who manipulates his wife, Bella, into doubting her sanity.
He does this through many deceitful tactics like dimming the gas lights in their home and insisting that she is imagining the changes.
He did all of that just to isolate Bella and gain access to her inheritance, as Jack aims to make her believe she is losing her mind.
Now you have an idea how far someone can go with this!
Gaslighting matters because it can harm your mental health.
When your friend or partner constantly tell you that you’re wrong or that you imagined something, it can make you feel like you’re going crazy.
You might start to believe that you can’t trust your own mind.
This form of manipulation can lead you to anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-worth among many others.
In order to break free, recognizing how gaslighting takes place is the first step in stopping it and protecting yourself.
This takes me to the next section.
Common Gaslighting Tactics to Watch For
Lying
Gaslighters tell blatant lies.
Even when you know they are lying, they stick to their story.
This makes you question your own reality.
Imagine you’re certain you saw your partner at a restaurant with someone else.
But when you confront them, they adamantly deny it, saying you must have mistaken someone else for them.
Denial
Someone who uses gaslighting will deny things they previously said or did. Even if you have proof, they’ll insist it never happened.
For example, you remind a colleague about a previous agreement where they promised to help with a project.
They completely deny ever making such a commitment, even though you clearly remember you might even have emails or messages to back it up.
I think its better to have an email folder titled ‘Evidence I Wish I Didn’t Need.’ from now on just in case!
Diverting
Gaslighters change the subject or shift the blame.
When you bring up a concern, they twist the conversation to make it about your faults instead.
For instance, when you’re trying to know why your friend is always late, she avoids taking responsibility by changing the topic to how you often forget to reply to her texts.
This tactic diverts attention from her behavior and makes it about your shortcomings instead, leaving the original issue unaddressed.
I mean, come on Megan!
Trivializing
This one is really annoying to witness.
They outright belittle your feelings and make you feel like you’re overreacting or being too sensitive.
For example, you express to a family member how upset you are about a rude comment they made.
And what do they do? They respond by saying, “You’re being too sensitive. It’s not that big of a deal.”
Ah, the classic ‘You’re being too sensitive’.
A phrase that feels like the emotional equivalent of being handed a Band-Aid after getting hit by a bus.
It’s a masterclass in dismissing your feelings while acting like you’re the problem.
I mean, we love it when we’re being gaslit into questioning our perfectly valid emotions?!
Withholding
They refuse to listen. (Why am I not surprised).
Your partner Bobby pretend not to understand what you’re saying to avoid addressing your concerns.
Suppose you try to discuss your concerns to Bobby who has been avoiding spending time together.
He brushes off your attempts to communicate by saying, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and refuse to engage in the conversation.
This refusal to acknowledge your feelings can leave you feeling confused and dismissed.
It’s like trying to have a heartfelt conversation with someone whose default setting is ‘deny and deflect.’
Frustrating? Absolutely. Immature? 100% Bobby!
Finally, two more things to pay attention to when dealing with a gaslighter, projection and the compassionate language.
This is how it goes.
Gaslighters may accuse you of the very behaviors they are guilty of themselves, such as lying or being manipulative.
So keep your guard up here. Its a classic move to avoid conflict and taking ownership.
As for the compassionate tone, its way more conniving.
Bobby here may feign concern or support while subtly undermining you, creating confusion about his true intentions.
For example; Bobby might say, “I know you’re upset, and I really want to help you feel better, but don’t you think you’re overthinking this? You’re so sensitive sometimes, and that’s one of the things I love about you.”
What a gentleman!
On the surface, it seems like Bobby is being supportive, but his words subtly plant doubt about your emotional response while framing himself as caring.
This tactic leaves you questioning whether you’re genuinely overreacting or if he’s just being manipulative under the guise of compassion.
It’s a clever mix of sweet talk and gaslighting that creates a whole lot of confusion in you.
Psychological and Emotional Impact of Gaslighting
Take a look at these numbers for a second:
- According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), over 43 million women and 38 million men in the U.S. have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
- A survey by the National Domestic Violence Hotline found that 74% of female victims of domestic violence reported experiencing gaslighting by their partner.
- A 2014 survey by the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights revealed that nearly 31% of Irish women reported experiencing psychological abuse by a partner.
24% of that stated they faced abusive behavior and 12% experiencing stalking. - The prevalence of NPD has increased, suggesting that up to 5% of the U.S. population may have this disorder, which is often associated with gaslighting behaviors.
Gaslighting can have severe psychological effects.
When someone manipulates you to question your own reality, it chips away at your mental health.
Over time, this can lead you to severe emotional distress.
Your sense of self-awareness becomes weaker. You start to slowly self-sabotage. And you might even start to rely on the manipulator for validation.
Emotional instability is another big impact.
Here, if you experienced heavy doses of gaslighting, you might start cutting friends and family from your life.
Why? because you start thinking nobody will understand your situation.
Even after leaving a toxic relationship, you might continue to question your own perceptions.
This shows how damaging gaslighting can be to your emotional well-being and why it’s important to recognize and address it.
So I hope this breakdown so far has put a lot of things in perspective so you can instantly cut off this draining friendship or relationship.
Steps to Protect Yourself From Gaslighting
Trust your feelings
In situations where you feel your reality is being distorted, remind yourself that your emotions are valid.
For instance, if you remember a conversation differently from how it’s being recounted to you, acknowledge your version.
Practice saying things like, “I remember it differently,” or “I feel that…”.
This reinforces your trust in your own experiences and instincts, which is fundamental for maintaining your sense of self.
Document everything
In environments where you suspect gaslighting is occurring, such as at work or in personal relationships, start documenting.
For example, write down conversations, save emails, and note the dates and outcomes of important discussions.
This documentation serves as a reality check when someone tries to twist the truth and can support you if you need to demonstrate consistency or truthfulness in your account of events.
Get support
Connect with friends or family members who you trust.
Discuss your experiences with them to gain their insights, which can be grounding.
Same applies if you have access to therapy or peer groups.
They can validate your emotions and perceptions, helping you see through the gaslighter’s attempts to undermine your reality.
Its hard to deal with gaslighting. So having an ally or someone who reassures you that you are not losing your grip can provide you immense relief and strength.
Establish boundaries
Clearly define what behaviors you find unacceptable and communicate these to the person involved.
For instance, tell them, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to in that manner,”
or “I’m not going to continue this conversation if my thoughts and feelings are not respected.”
Its ok to be firm and consistent with these boundaries even if they dont like it.
This protects you from manipulation and also empowers you to take control of interactions.
Detach emotionally
Recognize that Bobby the gaslighter’s actions stem from his need for control rather than any reflection of your worth.
Detaching yourself emotionally from his manipulation can help you regain perspective.
Go off the radar
If possible, consider reducing or eliminating contact with the gaslighter.
This may be necessary to protect your mental health and allow for recovery from their manipulation
Conclusion
I hope you have now a good idea on spotting gaslighting tactics in relationships and life in general.
If you suspect you are a victim of gaslighting or want to learn more about protecting your mental well-being, explore the resources and guides at The Future You Lab.
Our science-based ungated insights aim to help you navigate adulthood and grow stronger every day.
Take charge of your life and become the best version of yourself with our support.
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Until next time 🙂
